Zombies & Vampires

"An epiphany, yes. What else could warrant such profound thoughts?"

Zombies are not the same as Vampires. Here's why:

a) Zombies are dumb.
b) Zombies are slow.
c) They can be killed only by a headshot.
d) Zombies have no motive. They attack for no reason at all.
e) They are dead. (Yeah, this should have come a bit higher up but whatever)
f) When Zombies attack out of nowhere thay can scare you shitless. (Trust me, it's insane)
g) Zombies look like the dessert I left in my fridge when I was 4. (I swear there's purple mold on it)

On the other hand, when it comes to Vampires:

a) They are undeniably fast.
b) Vampires are alive/dead. (It's some weird quasi-state no one's quite sure of)
c) Vampires attack for blood. (I vant tu sock yur blud!)
d) Vampires plan attacks.
e) They can't survive sunlight. Or silver stakes through the heart. Or crucifixes. (Vampire + Sunlight = Crispy toast) 
f) They're not half as scary as Zombies. Sorry but fangs aren't exactly cool. Neither is flying around as a little hairy bat. (Think of them gay Twilight vampires to realize the truth in statement f))
g) Vampires are highly presentable. The slick black hair, cape, tuxedo- very classy indeed.

So yes, I repeat- Zombies aren't the same as Vampires. Making more of their kind by biting perfectly normal humans is pretty much the only trait they share. That and the fact they both feature in horror flicks. Then again, certain Zombies don't even have to bite- all it takes is a scratch, like the Zombies from Dawn of the Dead.

So the next time someone tells you that they think Vampires and Zombies are the same, ask them to think again. 

Oh and link them to my blog.

A Name in a Book I Don't Read Anymore

Friend of a wayward hour, you came
Like some good ghost, and went the same;
And I within the haunted place
Sit smiling on your vanished face,
And talking with--your name.

-J.W Riley

What's in a name? Is it just a random word, some random sound that you've been trained to respond to since birth? Doesn't it bother you that you never got a say in picking something that you'd literally live with and even die with? What's in a name, past that meaning, past that definition it gives your life, past that funny sound? Well...

Everything. 

Your name is your identity. It's the one thing that goes the places you go. It makes answering the 'Who are you?' question a bit easier. It's your phantom siamese twin. A one-one mapping, so to speak. It's your imprint on this world. After all, your physical presence isn't as universal as you think. Your legacy- it's all out there next to a funny bunch of letters on a gargantuan list, you know. And yeah, that funny bunch of letters? Your name.

But then again, your name isn't only yours to cherish. 

Let's look at it this way. Any given word- How many memories do you have associated with it? For example, in my case, the word 'chair' brings back memories of a Model UN and the chair of my committee. Surprisingly enough it drags along everything related to that particular event. The train ride to Delhi, the penthouse, the food, the conversations, the people...

Now you get it, don't you?

A name can mean a lot more than just your identity. Maybe it's someone else's keyword, a word they associate with their memories of a very specific person.

You.

Every mention of a name brings with it a plethora of instances- Pleasant, unpleasant, fun, boring, awesome, unforgettable, embarrassing. Unique for every person. Wow. There's so much!

And to think a name was no big deal. Naive, no?

You could forget everything else, but all it takes is a name to bring back that rush of memories you thought you'd detached yourself from forever.

I think I've forgotten the name, but then again I know that it's somewhere out there and that it's going to bring it all back to me. I fear the day that's going to happen but it's bound to happen, I'm sure.

I guess I'll have to wait it out patiently, keep my fingers crossed and hope it takes a while...

But yeah, till then, those names. That name.
They're all just names in a book I don't read anymore.

Step By Step

Do you ever wonder about your life? How far you've come and where you're headed? Don't you have a little picture in your head? The one that shows you were you want to be every time you're in doubt, when you don't know what to do, when you're not sure whether you are the person you wanted to be.

I think about it all. I think long and hard. At times I feel a deep gratitude towards everyone who's been there for me and helped me along that path. My parents and brother, my kindergarten teacher, my aunt, my friends... A long list trails in my head and it wouldn't make sense for me to put all the names down here. But on the other hand, I feel a vile, sinister loathing for everyone who's been a hindrance. No, I'm not going to be all noble and say that they helped me on my way in a different way and all that because that's not how I feel about them. I look back and I remember every little detail, and I remember everything I've wanted to say to them. Time has passed since and not all these grudges can be dug up again. Trying to do so would seem extremely foolish and I don't intend on trying. But then my selfish mind moves on to me. Enough time for the people you love and hate, it cries out, and then to me. It makes its motives very clear. Very clear indeed.

As a person I have changed over the years. From a kid who was more aware than he should've been, to a kid who knew exactly what he was doing and why he was doing it, it was an eventful first few years. Reverse psychology or not I knew exactly what people didn't want me to do, and I did those things whenever I felt like it. Impulsively. And it gave me weird satisfaction... No, I'm not writing this because it makes me seem like some wonder kid but I really did feel this way. Surprisingly. But I learnt so much along the way. How to enjoy reading, how to play video games, how to swim, and how to be patient, although it took a long, long time for me to understand the true meaning of 'being patient'. To wait and not think about the wait while waiting. Somehow it never happened... It's like how the first thing the mind thinks of when you ask it not to think about something is the same something it's not supposed to think of in the first place.

I had an intensity that I wasn't very proud of. Some things had to be some certain way. The velcro on my karate uniform, the laces on my shoes (although I solved this problem later by buying velcro shoes instead), the collars on my shirts, my security blanket. And I liked some things. Closed lego structures, never reading the last page of a book till I reached it, writing down stories whenever I felt like it, celery sticks, science kits. My mother poured her love into me. She spent her free time taking me to the library, picking out Frog and Toad books for me to read. She spent countless hours watching and re-watching Disney classics with me. She took me swimming, gymnastics, taek-won-do, soccer. I asked her to let me cook, "Once we move back to India" she said. "The buildings there are made of stone so nothing will burn in case something goes wrong". My father taught me how to play on the Super Nintendo, he taught me how to balance fun with work, and how not to talk too much or do too much in the presence of company.

I found it hard to get along with people. I was too judgemental. A couple of moments was enough for me to figure out a person, I thought. I had very few friends... although I don't really regret it. I'm not someone who depends on friends for survival anyway. But when I trust people I trust them a lot. Sounds cliched but it's true in a very funny way. I take lots of things for granted. I look back now and I realize that. I have no idea how that random bit of information fits in here but it's true, like everything else I'm saying here.

I remember the smells and sounds of places vividly. The smell of the basement of our Van Dorn Village house, the smell of the lawn, the musty smell of summers spent in India, the smell of mehendi, the smell of school after we moved back, the phenyl smell in the restrooms. Wow, it's quite overwhelming at times. The "Paaaaaaapaaiiiir" cry of the guy who took back used papers, the vegetable vendor's call, the bell of the ice-cream push cart. It's all in my head, almost as if it happened yesterday.

Once we'd come back to India for vacation and my mom put me in school here. I was pretty surprised that people wanted me to go to school when I was on vacation (Later I found out my mom sent me to school because she thought I'd be bored at home. God!). I was a part of their kindergarten class and had to learn the alphabet again. Mind you, I'd already started writing sentences at school back in the States. Padma miss, class teacher. Random kids, although there was one guy from near my grandparent's place with whom I used to hang out with. I still remember lunch on the first day I attended this "summer" school. My mom and aunt dropped by with a eversilver box full of grapes, and then my mom handed me a book with nice Disney illustrations on its cover. I opened it, and to my dismay I found ruled pages. I was used to finding Disney stories inside these kinds of books and this came as a rude shock to me. Why would someone decorate a plain old notebook so elaborately? I had no idea. I still don't.

I take a quick look at what I've written till now and I see everything's orthogonal to everything else. I had no idea how this post would turn out but now I think I know it's just an effort to try and figure out how the past fits into the present. Anyway I'll take it step by step. Part 2 is for another day.

Footprints on the Moon

Things always happen. Some things pass, but some linger on.

Sometimes, you hold on to something with every ounce of strength. Sometimes, you just let go of something without even the faintest struggle.

You cherish some things, you detest some. And there are a few you're indifferent about. It's only natural.

But there's always something you never let go of- You can't. You won't. Never ever.
That special something that's hidden somewhere deep down inside you. Oh, it's ok. You don't have to tell me about it! It's the "something" that counts. Keep it real safe :)

Well, I guess footprints on the moon last forever.
It's true.

Question

Why do I do what I normally do?

Is it for personal gain? Or is it because I like doing it? Maybe it's because it's who I am- I don't know. I just don't know. Inner turmoil can't be explained easily. It can't be outsourced either.

A fix calls for introspection. Introspection requires time. I require time. No, really.

One Order of Disorder, Please.

Do you like everything in your life nice and organized? Easy to sift through, easy to manage and not to forget, easy on the eye.

I do! Entropy is not as cool as it sounds.

I don't know about you, but I guess I take this order for granted. Which is bad, in a way. Because when the shit hits the fan and everything's flying around randomly I'm sure the realization that all the neat little stacks are gone is going to hit me a couple of orders of magnitude harder than it hits you (i.e assuming you don't really give a hoot about order, disorder and all that jazz).

When things go haywire it's hard to figure out what went wrong. "What set off the cascade?" is the first question that should pop into your head, but trust me, it doesn't get you anywhere. One reason leads to another and that leads somewhere else and then you realize your thought processes are as random as they can get. So then you frantically search for that dratted "Reset" button. It's good to reinvent yourself every now and then- It helps add a bit of masala to the mind-numbing existence that sets in once in a while. Take a chill pill, take things slower than you normally would, and things will become crystal clear.

I guess it's all about figuring out where you're headed. Oh that and the constant improvisation.

I should add- Disorder isn't all that bad... it's more like how you throw all the stuff out of your closet before putting things back in place again. You feel you're being sapped when all the stuff is lying around and you know you just have to put it back in place, but that good feeling you get once the job's done and everything's back to where it's supposed to be is immensely satisfying.

Unfortunately the tasks at hand seems gargantuan when disorder prevails over order. Damn it!
The prospect of a neatly arranged closet should help you pull through :)

PS : I have no idea why I wrote this vague post. My daily order of disorder, I guess.

The Banana-Sandwich Theorem

The Banana-Sandwich theorem states that it is statistically favorable, in a crowd consisting of a number of people of both genders, that a certain individual always ends up alone in a large, independent group consisting of members of the opposite gender, on a consistent basis.

Hats off to Banana girl for her powers of observation, and to the test subject, for this theorem would've been useless without ample proof to substantiate its consistency.

My Uni-Verse

It's different, it's cold, it's distant... or is it just me?

T5E Entry

Let's assume I'm the Duracell bunny, and that I'm going to go on and on about random things. With a pinch of temporal locality, of course.


About me : Well I'm pink (No I'm not gay. Stop thinking that way!) and, quite evidently, I can churn out sentences that rhyme. Some nitwits forgot to renew my trademark back home so my old home is now the home of my tacky cousin, Mr. Energizer bunny. On the other hand, my new home(s) include places like Slovakia, where people shopping for batteries go "Hand me a couple of those pink-bunny batteries". Why can't they just ask for Duracell. Seriously! Is the word really that hard to pronounce? Even for a bunch of non-native English speakers. Off with their carrots!

For those of you who've seen me on TV, playing those eternal football games without dying, let me tell you one thing. Lies. All lies. I'm definitely not the kind of rabbit who eats his veggies. Or stays healthy. Stupid bunny stereotypes... Heck! I'd rather go for those rich, dark, creamy chocolate fantasies. Ah I can feel the chocolate swirling on my tongue right now. Mmmm...

But I do play games, games that involve tons of button-mashing madness. And no, I don't use cheat codes. Not really. Well O.K, I've used them once or twice. In the past week. Before that? Yes. Happy? Sheesh!

And finally, my opinions on fellow Leporids : Bugs bunny is god for messing around with people in an infinitely-efficient manner (Elmer Fudd is one major sucker!), Peter rabbit has the IQ of a spanner (Getting caught by Mr. McGregor is lame, and I rhymed again), Br'er rabbit is evil (Thanks to the theme of his that leads up to the top of the Splash Mountain thrill ride in Disney World), Roger rabbit is off the hook (Who framed him anyway?), and the nameless anthropomorphic rabbit from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland is an oddball (Coats, handkerchiefs, watches etc. are not things we rabbits usually carry around).


So thanks for assuming I'm the Duracell bunny, I just finished going on and on about random things. Oh and here's the pinch of temporal locality I promised.

Don't Put That There!

A few weeks ago I was in the car with dad, waiting patiently for red to go green at some random signal in Madurai. That's when I heard the wailing siren of an ambulance somewhere behind us.

After offering a silent prayer, I listened as it came closer. It stopped right next to us, behind a truck that definitely wasn't going to move until the signal changed. I took a glance at the ambulance out my window...

That's when I noticed the writing on its side.

So and so Hospital,
Blah blah blah,
Madurai -###
Call 044XXXXXXXX for Ambulance.

FREEZER BOX AND MORGUE FACILITIES AVAILABLE.
DIAL 044XXXXXXXX.

The person who put that there needs to go find a heart, and get a life. Seriously.

Cooking Up a Conversation

1) Take a few words.

2) Add flour.

3) Mix well with brain juice. Bake at gas mark 3.

4) Add smilies (the potato ones).

5) Deep freeze.Think about what you're saying in this time.

6) Reheat (fix any redundancies/fine tune what you're trying to convey).

7) Serve (press the ENTER key).

[WARNING: After this there's no adding salt, extra smilies etc.]

8) Wait for a return.

Conversation made!

Cooking time: 10 seconds
Servings: Depends on the number of people in the same chat box ;)

Time is of the Essence

Infinite mugging. Infinite work. Infinite frustration doing something I find infinitely frustrating. Infinite things in finite time. Infinitely finite time.

Infinitely interesting things have to wait...

A minute minute. How very true.

24 hours just won't do!

My Year- Concerning College

It's been eons since I wrote an article (not taking into account the weird ones at college). Anyway I guess it's time I saw my life over the past year in writing, after all it's been filled to the brim with windfalls, lots of introspection, hindsight, brooding, refreshing, mulling over, great friends, insights, so on and so forth.

It all began on april 20, 2008. The big packet from UCSD; at first I had a feeling it was just another reject letter like the ones from Duke and Harvard, but the contents proved it to be otherwise. A week after my half-cooked attempt at JEE, a glimmer of hope for my college ambitions. It was then that the family decided, after considering the fact NIT-T had no bioscience program that it was either this or IIT (which we still believed to be an option). We had heard that the bioengg. program at UCSD was insanely tough to get into, so it was quite a surprise that it turned up at a time where other options didn't look too viable. I'm sure at that point I had no idea that all this was just the beginning.

April 27, AIEEE. A week full of practice tests led up to this day. My head was still high up in the clouds after the UCSD news so I had an unusually casual approach towards the exam. The only highlight of the day was that dad and I went and got mom a gift. By the time we went out for dinner the solutions were out online and I felt like a deflated balloon. It wasn't a memorable dinner for me. Anyway, now I was done with all my entrances! I guess that took a considerable amount of sting out of the fact that I'd messed up one, or possibly, two exams. A movie the next day with friends brought me back to my usual state.

Then came the long wait for the results. In the meantime I had IPL/friends/facebook/texting/gym to keep my mind off the imminent results. The conversations with dad, every time we passed by IIT-M on the way home from office/gym. All the times he asked me whether I'd make it there. All the times I said "Maybe, we'll see... Don't worry pa, UCSD is a great option too".

The board results were the first to come. English was a major bummer and a 75 in that meant that NUS was off the list for sure. I tried to sleep the day away, I wished it had never happened. But apparently that didn't work out. I felt happy that things turned out really well for my friends and that feeling allowed me to float on for the next few days. In the meantime, a biotech meet up/beach trip felt good but the goodbye parts sucked. Watching friends' backs as they walked away seemed so hard. It felt awful. Maybe I couldn't come to terms with the fact that by the end of vacation, all of us would have gone our own ways.

May 27, Tuesday. The party at my place. Potluck, lots of friends and a truckload of fun. A day to remember. It was just my way of saying a silent bye to my friends. Things could never be the same again. I made sure it registered in my head. This was it... The solitary 'thank you' message post-party made me pummel back into the depths of my mind. I guess I expected too much from my friends. In retrospect I think I 'created' a reason to feel bad. I can blame me, after all, I am me!

May 30, Friday. JEE results. I woke up and played 'Friday' by Goldspot while I freshened up in the morning. I was excited. The family gathered around the old Dell as we entered my reg. number into the JEE website. 6... 1... 0... 2... 3... 3... 3.

Extended Merit List. Three words that put a fullstop to the IIT dream. IISER? maybe.

For me, the days that followed were filled with frustration, confusion and a whole lot of regret. It was during this time, while I was writhing in my self-pity that my dad sent my board scores to NUS and to a Chennai college, SSN. Chances of getting into the latter were pretty bleak too, after all my cut-off wasn't exactly on the higher side.

AIEEE results day came and went. The rank was inconsequential as far as the family was concerned. Personally, I had made up my mind UCSD was where I was headed. We started getting busy with the forms and the preparations for UCSD.

The IISER interview was at Pune, and we'd booked two plane tickets. This was when my mom came up with some great advice that ultimately resulted in us not going to the interview there. She was definitely right when she asked "When you know you're not going to go, why even worry about the interview?". This was just the first of the her many questions.

June 14th- Prize day: Wishing I'd done better. Alumni induction: Wishing we'd never have to say goodbye. Conversations on the beach: Wishing I'd realised earlier.

To beat the blues I went and stayed at my grandparent's place for about a week during which I learned how to ride a bike from my uncle. My photoblog was where I took shelter from reality. All the articles I published had something to do with stuff I was wondering/worrying about then. This was the first time in my life I felt alone and unprotected. I realised that the consequence of my actions had a direct bearing on how my life turned out. Messed up JEE, therefore no IIT. No hassles. Simple, simple funda.

When you have all the time in the world you can afford to let your mind drift: Every time it all went back to what could have been. In those rare guilt-free moments I realized vacation wasn't as free/fun as I'd hoped it would be.

Friends went for counselling at different colleges, they got into those colleges. Some were even spoilt for choice. There I was, with a solitary option. By now I'd started to feel it had been forced on me. Trust me when I say 'choosing' something is worlds apart from having something forced on you. (It's hard to believe that after messing up so much I was still picky!... as my dad said "Beggars can't choose". It took me a while to realise that I was the beggar).

UCSD it was. Although for me the fact never sunk in completely, my parents seemed to be deeply affected by it. They seemed sad... grim... It was pretty hard to digest the fact that the mere thought of me leaving left them depressed. They had a valid reason; if I went there as a 17 year old, I would pretty much be on my own the rest of my life. The family ties would never be the same again.

Everyone started getting busy with their college deciding/prep. and I was left with infinite time to myself. This was when I reviewed the last two years of my life while spending sleepless nights staring up at my ceiling fan. Where did I go wrong?. Then I realised I'd done almost nothing right. All the wrong choices, all the bad moves. Truth and reconciliation.

It was my decision not to pay my way into any college, even if my parents were willing to do so. I believed that if I couldn't get into college after 12 years of education without my parents 'donating'/buying a seat, I was better off not studying. My mom came up with another killer question. "Why don't you stay and write IIT-JEE again?". "What if I mess up again? What will I do then?": my reply.

Hours on facebook. All-nighters just to get in touch with other people headed to UCSD. My dad asking whether I'd come back for a week during april to write JEE. My mom asking me to do well at UCSD and not to worry about JEE once I got there, if I decided to go.

I got my student visa. It wasn't a big deal at all, and now the path was clear. Friends left for college: I was still at home, thanks to the fact that Cal schools started mid-september. I started preparing myself mentally for the UCSD plunge. I had to do great there. I knew I could.

August 16: Lunch at Rainforest. Brownies at Citicentre. An evening at the beach with friends back in town for the first time, and friends done with a week of college. I was in for a nasty surprise when I just couldn't relate to anything they were talking about. Ragging, Seniors, Classmates, Dress codes. I felt totally left out and I knew this was the fork in the road where I went my way. After saying a proper goodbye to pals who wouldn't be back before I left on the 11th of september, I was given a ride home by a friend. I was happy I met everyone, it was a day I'd remember for a long time. I was ready to leave for college, it was time to get going!

August 18: We left for Tirupati to pray and hope everything turned out well. Tempers ran high and we had an unusually quiet car drive.

August 19: We offered our prayers early in the morning. All I asked God for was the ability to do whatever I did well. We left for Chennai after lunch. It was a pretty quiet ride, just like the last one. It was all quiet... Until dad's phone rang.

My mom took the call. The call from SSN: The voice that offered me Bio-medical engineering and Chemical engineering. Godsend.

Mom told the SSN rep that I wasn't around and that she'd call him once I got back. Then she told me the news, she gave me my options. In the 5 minutes that followed, my family was in suspended animation.

That was when I made my choice. Little did I know before that those 5 minutes would drastically alter the course of my life!

"I'm staying, I'm staying and I'm going to give JEE, and possibly the SAT, a second shot. I'm deciding to stay because SSN is a place you cannot pay your way into, and since I got in based on my scores, and also because of the fact so many of my good friends are in SSN, something that'll help loads when I need support, because I know this year is going to be a lot of hard work. This is the best thing that could've happened to me and I'd be a fool to let this opportunity pass by without grabbing it with both hands. UCSD is definitely a great school, it's definitely something hard to get into, but it's not something I wanted that badly. So this is it ma, pa. I'm staying here. I'm not going to San Diego.

I doubt I'll be able to start prep right away, after all I'm pretty excited since I'm going to be in town and in touch with everyone! I guess I'll get my feet back on the ground by mid-september, and I also need to get used to not being on vacation. I want to do Bio-medical engineering at SSN because even if things don't turn out the way I want them to I'll still end up doing something I'm comfortable doing.

This is more than just a coincidence, getting a second chance to pick myself up. So, I've decided, and these are my reasons"

The Way the World Moves On

Why do people have to die?; The answer to this has biological implications, but beyond nature's policy of striking a population balance, we humans, with our sixth sense, have an emotional bond with people and cannot, simply stating, accept the passing of a person we know, or in some cases, never come to know at all. How can it be that a living, breathing person suddenly turns into nothing but a cold, lifeless mass of flesh and bones? The transition between life and death takes just a second, and this harshness of reality sends a chill down my spine; What guarantee does one have in this world?

When you hear a person has passed away, human nature kicks in; At this point it really doesn't matter whether you hated or loved that person, the news, for sure comes as a shock, and all your memories of experiences with that person rush through your mind. The first reaction for you (and me) would be to try and deny the fact by asking if it's a joke, then it hits you, makes you gasp-an unseen force whacking you from the inside, right in your midriff, underneath your ribs. Then you feel confused, delirious, with no real clue about what to do next, how to react...

All the thoughts of the potential future you had with that person come to your mind, making him or her your friend, getting to know that person better, and you realise you can never again tell them anything at all, nothing. Ever...

Then you start crying.

I wouldn't say tears are bad, because not all tears are shed in vain... it works for this situation. And it seems the world funnels down on you, your mind reels, searching for a reason to balance out what has happened, to justify an unjust action, to rationalise an unexpected event but you can't explain the just part of the loss of a life... You wonder, how do you pick up the strings of a new life?, one bereft of that person?

For a few days, it's all muddled up inside, you console,and are consoled, by people who share the same sorrow as you do, and you don't know how you are going to get over it, but, as time passes, you slowly start to focus on what you have to do-your job, your life, your activities. You move on, yes, the reality is harsh but it's the plain truth, nothing in this world is permanent, same goes for the sorrow that comes with a death...

A few weeks, months later, you remember the person; as a memory, and it's sometimes painful to think of their loss, and our mind formulates ways we could have prevented their passing, but these thoughts linger for mere moments before drowning in the multitude of day to day activities we're all committed to...

This, ironically, is the way the world moves on...