My Year- Concerning College

It's been eons since I wrote an article (not taking into account the weird ones at college). Anyway I guess it's time I saw my life over the past year in writing, after all it's been filled to the brim with windfalls, lots of introspection, hindsight, brooding, refreshing, mulling over, great friends, insights, so on and so forth.

It all began on april 20, 2008. The big packet from UCSD; at first I had a feeling it was just another reject letter like the ones from Duke and Harvard, but the contents proved it to be otherwise. A week after my half-cooked attempt at JEE, a glimmer of hope for my college ambitions. It was then that the family decided, after considering the fact NIT-T had no bioscience program that it was either this or IIT (which we still believed to be an option). We had heard that the bioengg. program at UCSD was insanely tough to get into, so it was quite a surprise that it turned up at a time where other options didn't look too viable. I'm sure at that point I had no idea that all this was just the beginning.

April 27, AIEEE. A week full of practice tests led up to this day. My head was still high up in the clouds after the UCSD news so I had an unusually casual approach towards the exam. The only highlight of the day was that dad and I went and got mom a gift. By the time we went out for dinner the solutions were out online and I felt like a deflated balloon. It wasn't a memorable dinner for me. Anyway, now I was done with all my entrances! I guess that took a considerable amount of sting out of the fact that I'd messed up one, or possibly, two exams. A movie the next day with friends brought me back to my usual state.

Then came the long wait for the results. In the meantime I had IPL/friends/facebook/texting/gym to keep my mind off the imminent results. The conversations with dad, every time we passed by IIT-M on the way home from office/gym. All the times he asked me whether I'd make it there. All the times I said "Maybe, we'll see... Don't worry pa, UCSD is a great option too".

The board results were the first to come. English was a major bummer and a 75 in that meant that NUS was off the list for sure. I tried to sleep the day away, I wished it had never happened. But apparently that didn't work out. I felt happy that things turned out really well for my friends and that feeling allowed me to float on for the next few days. In the meantime, a biotech meet up/beach trip felt good but the goodbye parts sucked. Watching friends' backs as they walked away seemed so hard. It felt awful. Maybe I couldn't come to terms with the fact that by the end of vacation, all of us would have gone our own ways.

May 27, Tuesday. The party at my place. Potluck, lots of friends and a truckload of fun. A day to remember. It was just my way of saying a silent bye to my friends. Things could never be the same again. I made sure it registered in my head. This was it... The solitary 'thank you' message post-party made me pummel back into the depths of my mind. I guess I expected too much from my friends. In retrospect I think I 'created' a reason to feel bad. I can blame me, after all, I am me!

May 30, Friday. JEE results. I woke up and played 'Friday' by Goldspot while I freshened up in the morning. I was excited. The family gathered around the old Dell as we entered my reg. number into the JEE website. 6... 1... 0... 2... 3... 3... 3.

Extended Merit List. Three words that put a fullstop to the IIT dream. IISER? maybe.

For me, the days that followed were filled with frustration, confusion and a whole lot of regret. It was during this time, while I was writhing in my self-pity that my dad sent my board scores to NUS and to a Chennai college, SSN. Chances of getting into the latter were pretty bleak too, after all my cut-off wasn't exactly on the higher side.

AIEEE results day came and went. The rank was inconsequential as far as the family was concerned. Personally, I had made up my mind UCSD was where I was headed. We started getting busy with the forms and the preparations for UCSD.

The IISER interview was at Pune, and we'd booked two plane tickets. This was when my mom came up with some great advice that ultimately resulted in us not going to the interview there. She was definitely right when she asked "When you know you're not going to go, why even worry about the interview?". This was just the first of the her many questions.

June 14th- Prize day: Wishing I'd done better. Alumni induction: Wishing we'd never have to say goodbye. Conversations on the beach: Wishing I'd realised earlier.

To beat the blues I went and stayed at my grandparent's place for about a week during which I learned how to ride a bike from my uncle. My photoblog was where I took shelter from reality. All the articles I published had something to do with stuff I was wondering/worrying about then. This was the first time in my life I felt alone and unprotected. I realised that the consequence of my actions had a direct bearing on how my life turned out. Messed up JEE, therefore no IIT. No hassles. Simple, simple funda.

When you have all the time in the world you can afford to let your mind drift: Every time it all went back to what could have been. In those rare guilt-free moments I realized vacation wasn't as free/fun as I'd hoped it would be.

Friends went for counselling at different colleges, they got into those colleges. Some were even spoilt for choice. There I was, with a solitary option. By now I'd started to feel it had been forced on me. Trust me when I say 'choosing' something is worlds apart from having something forced on you. (It's hard to believe that after messing up so much I was still picky!... as my dad said "Beggars can't choose". It took me a while to realise that I was the beggar).

UCSD it was. Although for me the fact never sunk in completely, my parents seemed to be deeply affected by it. They seemed sad... grim... It was pretty hard to digest the fact that the mere thought of me leaving left them depressed. They had a valid reason; if I went there as a 17 year old, I would pretty much be on my own the rest of my life. The family ties would never be the same again.

Everyone started getting busy with their college deciding/prep. and I was left with infinite time to myself. This was when I reviewed the last two years of my life while spending sleepless nights staring up at my ceiling fan. Where did I go wrong?. Then I realised I'd done almost nothing right. All the wrong choices, all the bad moves. Truth and reconciliation.

It was my decision not to pay my way into any college, even if my parents were willing to do so. I believed that if I couldn't get into college after 12 years of education without my parents 'donating'/buying a seat, I was better off not studying. My mom came up with another killer question. "Why don't you stay and write IIT-JEE again?". "What if I mess up again? What will I do then?": my reply.

Hours on facebook. All-nighters just to get in touch with other people headed to UCSD. My dad asking whether I'd come back for a week during april to write JEE. My mom asking me to do well at UCSD and not to worry about JEE once I got there, if I decided to go.

I got my student visa. It wasn't a big deal at all, and now the path was clear. Friends left for college: I was still at home, thanks to the fact that Cal schools started mid-september. I started preparing myself mentally for the UCSD plunge. I had to do great there. I knew I could.

August 16: Lunch at Rainforest. Brownies at Citicentre. An evening at the beach with friends back in town for the first time, and friends done with a week of college. I was in for a nasty surprise when I just couldn't relate to anything they were talking about. Ragging, Seniors, Classmates, Dress codes. I felt totally left out and I knew this was the fork in the road where I went my way. After saying a proper goodbye to pals who wouldn't be back before I left on the 11th of september, I was given a ride home by a friend. I was happy I met everyone, it was a day I'd remember for a long time. I was ready to leave for college, it was time to get going!

August 18: We left for Tirupati to pray and hope everything turned out well. Tempers ran high and we had an unusually quiet car drive.

August 19: We offered our prayers early in the morning. All I asked God for was the ability to do whatever I did well. We left for Chennai after lunch. It was a pretty quiet ride, just like the last one. It was all quiet... Until dad's phone rang.

My mom took the call. The call from SSN: The voice that offered me Bio-medical engineering and Chemical engineering. Godsend.

Mom told the SSN rep that I wasn't around and that she'd call him once I got back. Then she told me the news, she gave me my options. In the 5 minutes that followed, my family was in suspended animation.

That was when I made my choice. Little did I know before that those 5 minutes would drastically alter the course of my life!

"I'm staying, I'm staying and I'm going to give JEE, and possibly the SAT, a second shot. I'm deciding to stay because SSN is a place you cannot pay your way into, and since I got in based on my scores, and also because of the fact so many of my good friends are in SSN, something that'll help loads when I need support, because I know this year is going to be a lot of hard work. This is the best thing that could've happened to me and I'd be a fool to let this opportunity pass by without grabbing it with both hands. UCSD is definitely a great school, it's definitely something hard to get into, but it's not something I wanted that badly. So this is it ma, pa. I'm staying here. I'm not going to San Diego.

I doubt I'll be able to start prep right away, after all I'm pretty excited since I'm going to be in town and in touch with everyone! I guess I'll get my feet back on the ground by mid-september, and I also need to get used to not being on vacation. I want to do Bio-medical engineering at SSN because even if things don't turn out the way I want them to I'll still end up doing something I'm comfortable doing.

This is more than just a coincidence, getting a second chance to pick myself up. So, I've decided, and these are my reasons"