Step By Step

Do you ever wonder about your life? How far you've come and where you're headed? Don't you have a little picture in your head? The one that shows you were you want to be every time you're in doubt, when you don't know what to do, when you're not sure whether you are the person you wanted to be.

I think about it all. I think long and hard. At times I feel a deep gratitude towards everyone who's been there for me and helped me along that path. My parents and brother, my kindergarten teacher, my aunt, my friends... A long list trails in my head and it wouldn't make sense for me to put all the names down here. But on the other hand, I feel a vile, sinister loathing for everyone who's been a hindrance. No, I'm not going to be all noble and say that they helped me on my way in a different way and all that because that's not how I feel about them. I look back and I remember every little detail, and I remember everything I've wanted to say to them. Time has passed since and not all these grudges can be dug up again. Trying to do so would seem extremely foolish and I don't intend on trying. But then my selfish mind moves on to me. Enough time for the people you love and hate, it cries out, and then to me. It makes its motives very clear. Very clear indeed.

As a person I have changed over the years. From a kid who was more aware than he should've been, to a kid who knew exactly what he was doing and why he was doing it, it was an eventful first few years. Reverse psychology or not I knew exactly what people didn't want me to do, and I did those things whenever I felt like it. Impulsively. And it gave me weird satisfaction... No, I'm not writing this because it makes me seem like some wonder kid but I really did feel this way. Surprisingly. But I learnt so much along the way. How to enjoy reading, how to play video games, how to swim, and how to be patient, although it took a long, long time for me to understand the true meaning of 'being patient'. To wait and not think about the wait while waiting. Somehow it never happened... It's like how the first thing the mind thinks of when you ask it not to think about something is the same something it's not supposed to think of in the first place.

I had an intensity that I wasn't very proud of. Some things had to be some certain way. The velcro on my karate uniform, the laces on my shoes (although I solved this problem later by buying velcro shoes instead), the collars on my shirts, my security blanket. And I liked some things. Closed lego structures, never reading the last page of a book till I reached it, writing down stories whenever I felt like it, celery sticks, science kits. My mother poured her love into me. She spent her free time taking me to the library, picking out Frog and Toad books for me to read. She spent countless hours watching and re-watching Disney classics with me. She took me swimming, gymnastics, taek-won-do, soccer. I asked her to let me cook, "Once we move back to India" she said. "The buildings there are made of stone so nothing will burn in case something goes wrong". My father taught me how to play on the Super Nintendo, he taught me how to balance fun with work, and how not to talk too much or do too much in the presence of company.

I found it hard to get along with people. I was too judgemental. A couple of moments was enough for me to figure out a person, I thought. I had very few friends... although I don't really regret it. I'm not someone who depends on friends for survival anyway. But when I trust people I trust them a lot. Sounds cliched but it's true in a very funny way. I take lots of things for granted. I look back now and I realize that. I have no idea how that random bit of information fits in here but it's true, like everything else I'm saying here.

I remember the smells and sounds of places vividly. The smell of the basement of our Van Dorn Village house, the smell of the lawn, the musty smell of summers spent in India, the smell of mehendi, the smell of school after we moved back, the phenyl smell in the restrooms. Wow, it's quite overwhelming at times. The "Paaaaaaapaaiiiir" cry of the guy who took back used papers, the vegetable vendor's call, the bell of the ice-cream push cart. It's all in my head, almost as if it happened yesterday.

Once we'd come back to India for vacation and my mom put me in school here. I was pretty surprised that people wanted me to go to school when I was on vacation (Later I found out my mom sent me to school because she thought I'd be bored at home. God!). I was a part of their kindergarten class and had to learn the alphabet again. Mind you, I'd already started writing sentences at school back in the States. Padma miss, class teacher. Random kids, although there was one guy from near my grandparent's place with whom I used to hang out with. I still remember lunch on the first day I attended this "summer" school. My mom and aunt dropped by with a eversilver box full of grapes, and then my mom handed me a book with nice Disney illustrations on its cover. I opened it, and to my dismay I found ruled pages. I was used to finding Disney stories inside these kinds of books and this came as a rude shock to me. Why would someone decorate a plain old notebook so elaborately? I had no idea. I still don't.

I take a quick look at what I've written till now and I see everything's orthogonal to everything else. I had no idea how this post would turn out but now I think I know it's just an effort to try and figure out how the past fits into the present. Anyway I'll take it step by step. Part 2 is for another day.

Footprints on the Moon

Things always happen. Some things pass, but some linger on.

Sometimes, you hold on to something with every ounce of strength. Sometimes, you just let go of something without even the faintest struggle.

You cherish some things, you detest some. And there are a few you're indifferent about. It's only natural.

But there's always something you never let go of- You can't. You won't. Never ever.
That special something that's hidden somewhere deep down inside you. Oh, it's ok. You don't have to tell me about it! It's the "something" that counts. Keep it real safe :)

Well, I guess footprints on the moon last forever.
It's true.

Question

Why do I do what I normally do?

Is it for personal gain? Or is it because I like doing it? Maybe it's because it's who I am- I don't know. I just don't know. Inner turmoil can't be explained easily. It can't be outsourced either.

A fix calls for introspection. Introspection requires time. I require time. No, really.

One Order of Disorder, Please.

Do you like everything in your life nice and organized? Easy to sift through, easy to manage and not to forget, easy on the eye.

I do! Entropy is not as cool as it sounds.

I don't know about you, but I guess I take this order for granted. Which is bad, in a way. Because when the shit hits the fan and everything's flying around randomly I'm sure the realization that all the neat little stacks are gone is going to hit me a couple of orders of magnitude harder than it hits you (i.e assuming you don't really give a hoot about order, disorder and all that jazz).

When things go haywire it's hard to figure out what went wrong. "What set off the cascade?" is the first question that should pop into your head, but trust me, it doesn't get you anywhere. One reason leads to another and that leads somewhere else and then you realize your thought processes are as random as they can get. So then you frantically search for that dratted "Reset" button. It's good to reinvent yourself every now and then- It helps add a bit of masala to the mind-numbing existence that sets in once in a while. Take a chill pill, take things slower than you normally would, and things will become crystal clear.

I guess it's all about figuring out where you're headed. Oh that and the constant improvisation.

I should add- Disorder isn't all that bad... it's more like how you throw all the stuff out of your closet before putting things back in place again. You feel you're being sapped when all the stuff is lying around and you know you just have to put it back in place, but that good feeling you get once the job's done and everything's back to where it's supposed to be is immensely satisfying.

Unfortunately the tasks at hand seems gargantuan when disorder prevails over order. Damn it!
The prospect of a neatly arranged closet should help you pull through :)

PS : I have no idea why I wrote this vague post. My daily order of disorder, I guess.

The Banana-Sandwich Theorem

The Banana-Sandwich theorem states that it is statistically favorable, in a crowd consisting of a number of people of both genders, that a certain individual always ends up alone in a large, independent group consisting of members of the opposite gender, on a consistent basis.

Hats off to Banana girl for her powers of observation, and to the test subject, for this theorem would've been useless without ample proof to substantiate its consistency.

My Uni-Verse

It's different, it's cold, it's distant... or is it just me?

T5E Entry

Let's assume I'm the Duracell bunny, and that I'm going to go on and on about random things. With a pinch of temporal locality, of course.


About me : Well I'm pink (No I'm not gay. Stop thinking that way!) and, quite evidently, I can churn out sentences that rhyme. Some nitwits forgot to renew my trademark back home so my old home is now the home of my tacky cousin, Mr. Energizer bunny. On the other hand, my new home(s) include places like Slovakia, where people shopping for batteries go "Hand me a couple of those pink-bunny batteries". Why can't they just ask for Duracell. Seriously! Is the word really that hard to pronounce? Even for a bunch of non-native English speakers. Off with their carrots!

For those of you who've seen me on TV, playing those eternal football games without dying, let me tell you one thing. Lies. All lies. I'm definitely not the kind of rabbit who eats his veggies. Or stays healthy. Stupid bunny stereotypes... Heck! I'd rather go for those rich, dark, creamy chocolate fantasies. Ah I can feel the chocolate swirling on my tongue right now. Mmmm...

But I do play games, games that involve tons of button-mashing madness. And no, I don't use cheat codes. Not really. Well O.K, I've used them once or twice. In the past week. Before that? Yes. Happy? Sheesh!

And finally, my opinions on fellow Leporids : Bugs bunny is god for messing around with people in an infinitely-efficient manner (Elmer Fudd is one major sucker!), Peter rabbit has the IQ of a spanner (Getting caught by Mr. McGregor is lame, and I rhymed again), Br'er rabbit is evil (Thanks to the theme of his that leads up to the top of the Splash Mountain thrill ride in Disney World), Roger rabbit is off the hook (Who framed him anyway?), and the nameless anthropomorphic rabbit from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland is an oddball (Coats, handkerchiefs, watches etc. are not things we rabbits usually carry around).


So thanks for assuming I'm the Duracell bunny, I just finished going on and on about random things. Oh and here's the pinch of temporal locality I promised.